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Who do we like? Who can't we abide? Who don't we give twopence about? The Boy from Ipanema gives its views and opinions of the 22 teams competing for the one promotion place to Division 3. |
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BOSTON UNITED Enemy Number One: Lincoln City In 1978, it should have been The Pilgrims taking Southport's place in The Football League instead of the dastardly Wigan Athletic. However, sadly for Boston, although they won the Northern Premier that season, their ground was not up to shape and they lost out to the Latics. Bizarrely, it was Southport who took Boston's place in the Conference in 92/93, when they were relegated back down to the NPL. It took Boston seven years and two leagues to regain their status and since 1978, they have rebuilt York Street into one of the best grounds in the lower divisions. Renowned for having intimidating fans and an equally temperamental manager, Boston are likely to be one of those clubs fighting for honours over the next few seasons.
Enemy Number One: Wrexham The only club in the world to have their stadium straddling the border of two countries, this is Chester's first season amongst the non-league elite. The Seals have adapted well to their new status, albeit with a completely new team, and seem to be heading for one of the best finishing positions of a newly relegated club. However, all is not rosy at The Deva, with supporters constantly at odds with Chester's unpredictable and eccentric chairman Terry Smith. If the American can steady the boat and keep his fingers out of Graham Barrow's pie, Chester will be amongst the bookies' favourites to go up next season.
Chester Chairman Terry Smith introduces new manager Graham Barrow to the Deva faithful
Enemy Number One: Woking Who exactly are Dagenham and Redbridge Football Club? They are actually the biggest amalgamation of different clubs imaginable. Namely, Dagenham, Redbridge Forest, Walthamstoe Avenue, Leytonstone and Ilford. Their fans must be very confused, and there exist bitter rivalries within the club regarding history and affiliation. The Daggers were Southport's first opponents in the Conference back in 1993, when the two clubs fought out a very exciting 3-3 draw. Soon after, D&R were relegated to the Ryman's League and only gained promotion once again last season, after five seasons in the feeders. Renowned for signing all the West Ham youth rejects, Dagenham have surprised the pundits so far this year with a run of good results. However, it is likely that the Conference is as far as they will get, with promotion to the FL very unlikely.
Enemy Number One: Hull City The year they were relegated, Doncaster Rovers were the embarrassment of English soccer. Their stand had been burnt down by a corrupt chairman and a poor Sunday league team could have given them a hiding. Taking this into consideration, The Vikings have turned things round remarkably well and are potentially the biggest club in the Conference, with a fan base as big as neighbours Barnsley. Maybe it is this which gives their fans the delusions of grandeur. Although they have new financial backers, Rover's ground is probably the worst in the league and the pre-season hype, following the signings of Carl Alford and Tim Ryan, has not, as yet, been proven right. However, if the promises of their board, regarding a spanking new stadium, come true, The Boy from Ipanema predicts it won't be long before Doncaster return to the third division.
50 grand signing, Carl Alford, models the new Rovers' away kit.
Enemy Number One: Paris Saint Germain / Welling United This is the club whose stadium has the name which sounds like a nasty disease you might catch from a girl called Sharon. They are also in the unfortunate position of being only a stone's throw from those parasites in Gaul. Dover have proven to be consistant performers under the guidance of vetran boss Bill Williams and look to be heading for another stable yet unspectacular finish once again this time round. Dover's close proximity to the Continent appears to have an affect on their signings, with players possessing exotic names such as Jake Leberl and Joff Vansittart.
Enemy Number One: Gloucester City How on earth did this club manage to find their way to the Conference? This is living evidence of the American Dream and Roy of the Rovers rolled into one. It clearly demonstrates the romance of the English game, where, with enough determination and ambition, all clubs have the opportunity to progress and improve. They seem to be lucky in having a manager who defies the odds and a limited budget to produce a team capable of beating teams way above them in terms of resources. As with the other small clubs in the league, FGR have probably reached their peak, where future success will be measured in maintaining their current status and producing a few cup upsets.
Enemy Number One: Nobody that we know of! Always seem to do well against the odds and in front of pitifully low crowds, the Missioners are the nice guys of the Conference world. A visit to Church Road is always a friendly one and although they will never set the world on fire, a few tears would be shed if they were to be relegated. Hayes appear to have the knack of producing great goal scorers. In previous seasons, Lee Charles proved to be a thorn in the side of many defenders. He has now moved on, only to be replaced with the dramatically named Rocky Baptiste who is currently near the top of the leading goal scorers list. If this ability to score goals continues, Hayes should once again finish in a comfortable position, despite their suspect defence.
Enemy Number One: The Inland Revenue Nothing much to say about The Pitmen. They have been the pundit's favourites to do well over the last few seasons and yet always fail to deliver. Their home is a bitterly cold concrete jungle in the middle of a very dreary looking ghost town. Famous for having a plump chairman / manager who is reported to be no friend of the taxman. Could be their year for relegation and would anybody miss them if they went? Come to that, would anybody notice?
Enemy Number One: Newport County Famous for Ronny Radford's goal against Newcastle United, and, oh yes, Ronny Radford's goal against Newcastle United. Nowadays, Edgar Street is just full of bitter people who can't accept their station in life. Widely renowned for having the worst catering and away enclosure in the Conference, The Bulls have recently been dogged by financial problems and talk of losing their stadium to a chain of supermarkets. However, this season has seen a return of fortunes on the pitch, raising hopes of a return to the third division.
Enemy Number One: Rushden and Diamonds Along with Northwich Victoria, Kettering are the only surviving members of the original Alliance Premier League. They were, at one time, a force to be reckoned with (Big Ron Atkinson was, at one time, manager), but their now crumbling stadium is evidence of financial difficulties and an uncertain future. Candidates for relegation this year, the Poppies need an influx of Max Griggs type cash in order to turn things round. Kettering Town do have the potential, with a good fan base and a history to keep people interested.
Enemy Number One: Woking Didn't Bob Marley come from Kingston? Or am I thinking of somewhere else? Kingstonian, what a lovely old school boy kind of name. The Ks have done very well since their arrival in the Conference under the control of the great Geoff Chappel and it is hard to remember who was the last club, before them, to win the FA Trophy. So far this season, Kingstonian have failed to live up to expectations and rumours abound that Chappel's days at the helm are numbered. With their alarmingly dwindling gates, The Boy from Ipanema predicts that it won't be long before Kingstonian make their return to the Ryman League.
Enemy Number One: Leigh Centurians RLFC This is the Railwaymen's first season in the Conference and without wanting to sound patronising, they are doing incredibly well. In the Patron Saints section of The Boy from Ipanema, the Railwaymen have been assigned St. Jude, the P.S. of Lost Causes. It looks like the page needs updating, as, so far this season, RMI haven't been outside the top half of the table. However, despite their success at surprising people, unless the club can attract far bigger gates, it looks like their tenure in the Fifth Division will not last long. Other clubs, with far greater resources will soon work out their tactics and any amount of battling will not be enough to survive.
RMI fans make their way to Hilton Park
Enemy Number One: Southport Southport's neighbour and greatest rival, not only on the soccer field, but also in the potted shrimp and bed & breakfast industries. When you think about Christmas, what comes to mind? Mistletoe, Bing Crosby, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and .............. Morecambe FC. Boxing Day and New Year's day just wouldn't be the same without our local derby, providing the biggest gates and best atmosphere of the season for both clubs. Southport fans will always say how much they hate Morecambe, however, I don't believe anybody would like to see them relegated and if Southport won promotion, we'd want to take Morecambe with us. Their ground is now one of the best in the league and the boardroom administration has made the club financially sound. Over the last few seasons they have been title contenders, however, the sale of Justin Jackson to Rushden and Diamonds has proved to be a tough gap to plug. The Boy from Ipanema predicts top half this season and the Football League somewhere in the future.
Enemy Number One: Witton Albion Northwich Vics, Conference stalwarts and all round good eggs. Yes they're a little boring with their failure to arouse any sort of emotion, but I'm sure there will be many a Conference fan who will miss them when they're gone. And go they surely will. This season they already seem doomed and if they don't start getting a few more points, will be well adrift by Christmas. Northwich have been in the Conference since the league began and have a history stretching back into the annals of time. Their failure can only be put down to total incompetence on behalf of their directors. If I was a Vics fan, I would be furious. So many missed opportunities, and now, the sale of their beloved Drill Field. I cannot believe that the oldest soccer stadium in the world is going to be allowed to be turned into yet another supermarket. Do we really need another Tescos? Why can't they build it somewhere else? Call me old fashioned, but this kind of foolish incompetence really makes me want to cry. What are Northwich Victoria without The Drill Field? Nothing? Very sad.
We are not amused with the goings on at The Drill Field
Enemy Number One: Coventry City Nuneaton returned to the Conference last season after many years in the feeder league wilderness. Their upturn was credited to manager Brendan Phillips, who achieved this success, as well as being a good trader on the transfer market, where over the years he made a tidy profit, helping the club become financially stable after once almost going under. Unfortunately for Mr. Phillips, this was just not good enough, culminating in being given his cards after a run of poor results at the start of the season. Borough appear to have the fan base and enough ambition to move further forward in their bid to close the gap on despised neighbours Coventry City.
Enemy Number One: Kettering Town Stand up if you like Rushden and Diamonds! Well err actually, I've got absolutely nothing against them. What exactly have The Russians done wrong? So, they have lots of money, is that such a sin? This isn't Telford we're talking about with their fly-by-night chairman. R&D are much more like Blackburn Rovers, with a benefactor who has set up a trust to ensure Diamonds continue to be prosperous long after he's gone. Griggs' money hasn't just been thrown at the club like an expensive hobby of an overgrown boy, it has been used to create jobs and to benefit the community as a whole. Yes, the Conference will be a more equal place when Diamonds have gone (probably this season), but The Boy from Ipanema wishes them well, with their stadium and facilities, they are a great flag bearer for the Conference which can ultimately only benefit us all.
Nene Park heroine Dame Shirley Bassey gives a rousing rendition of "Hey Big Spender"
Enemy Number One: York City / Carlisle United If you want to make friends and influence people in Scarborough, for goodness sake don't mention the name Jimmy Glass. He's about as welcome in the town as a broken deep fat fryer. The Seadogs have recently escaped a very nasty bout of the financial wobbles and will probably take quite some time to regain their composure both on and off the pitch. Being one of the few northern teams in the Conference, Southport always seem to play them home and away mid-week, which is a shame, as the town is a lovely excuse for a long weekend break.
Enemy Number One: Morecambe / Wigan Athletic Bisto Gravy Granules should be the shirt sponsor of The Sandgrounders; Ahhhhhhhhhhh............ Southport. They are my team and yet I'll try to be honest. Southport have been going since 1881 and although there have been some high points such as the Division Four championship in 1973, the FA Trophy Final at Wembley in 1998 and the Quarter Finals of the FA Cup, the club's history has been somewhat mediocre. The lower reaches of the Football League until 1978, then 15 years of Northern Premier squalor until that great championship season which saw the Sandgrounders' return to nationwide soccer. The club's turnround in fortunes came about due to the arrival of it's current chairman, Charlie Clapham, whose highly competent business skills and no nonsense approach has seen Southport transformed into the most independently financially sound club in the Conference. Clapham's greatest coup was the capture of management team Mark Wright and Ted McMinn, who, if persuaded to stay at Haig Avenue, provide Southport's greatest chance of a return to the Football League over the next few seasons. It is such a shame that there is nobody at Haig Avenue with any dress sense. The kits worn by Southport over the years (both home and away) must be the most hideous in the footballing world; Southport's home kit is yellow and their away kit is err......... yellow! Looks like the players will have to keep their blazers on when we play Boston away!
Enemy Number One: Woking One of the babies of the footballing world, having only been founded in the late 1970s, Stevenage have come a very long way in a very short space of time. Champions of the Conference a few seasons back, Boro' were robbed of promotion to the third division due to work not being ready on their Broadhall Way ground. The club gained nationwide recognition two years ago during their FA Cup battles with Newcastle United, whose manager, Kenny Dalglish, had a few running battles with controversial Boro' chairman Victor Green. The tabloids had a field day, and although Mr. Green has his critics, it proved to be brilliant PR, turning Stevenage Borough FC into a household name. The club has recently seen the return of successful coach Paul Fairclough. It is yet to be seen, however, if Mr. Fairclough is able to repeat his past achievements or if it is to be another case of the Howard Kendal syndrome.
Enemy Number One: Shrewsbury Town What can I say about Telford, other than they are incredibly boring and have a highly dodgy chairman/sugar daddy? OK, so The Boy from Ipanema really does not like The Bucks. Is there anybody who does? What do we predict for the Lilywhites? Under Jake King, a couple of seasons of mid-table mediocrity. As a club, financial ruin and relegation within five years. Telford are NOT another Rushden and Diamonds. Remember Colne Dynamos?
Chairman Andy Shaw (left) poses for the cameras at the New Bucks Head with the other members of the Telford board.
Enemy Number One: Stevenage Borough / Aldershot I make no secret of the fact that after Southport, Woking is my favourite Conference team. Going back to when they beat West Bromwich Albion in the FA Cup, theirs is a score I always look out for. Since the departure of Geoff Chappel, The Cards have failed to make any sort of impact. Hopefully this will soon come to an end, as a Conference without Woking would be considerably weaker. The thing I like most about Woking is their fans who really seem to know the meaning of the word "passion" in a sophisticated kind of way, if you know what I mean.
Enemy Number One: Weymouth If it's romance you want, the Conference provides you with Yeovil Town. One of football's most famous names, The Glovers have a long and proud history of FA Cup upsets. They were once also renowned for their incredible sloping pitch, which ceased to be a factor when they moved to their marvellous new stadium Huish Park in the early 1990s. Yeovil have an excellent fan base and if they can survive the financial pressures of their current full time status, it will probably not be long before the name Yeovil Town is added to the members list of the Football League. |
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